"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

CS Lewis

I just love that.

"If anyone ever saw me dance, they'd have trouble taking me seriously." Christina Ricci

Antique chair project progressing nicely. I need a craft room.

This summer is going to be crazy. Graduation, weddings, beach vacation, job search. 

I can't wait. I miss freckles, tan legs and sundresses.

Sorry for yesterday's blog post. It was decidedly depressing. It's a new year, after all. 

Tonight's plans: 

Distress antique chair (found, abandoned, at nearby storage unit). Hello, sandpaper.

Drink two glasses of wine.

Listen to every song on every Celine Dion album.

Paint nails an obnoxious shade of coral. 

Wear two sets of Crest Whitestrips. Ignore sensitive teeth and aching pain.

Determined to read The Problem of Pain by CS Lewis this semester. I really want to understand Jesus. I just... don't. "Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness."

Peace is an elusive little thing. 

In The Shack, author William P. Young references "the Great Sadness." It's like an overcast sky; there are no dark, ominous clouds, no alarming thunderstorms, but there's no great light, either. Everything is just grey, muted, dull. 

I feel calloused and raw, willing and reluctant, open and closed. All at the same time. 

I may run away. After graduation, of course. What good am I without that little piece of paper? 

Destinations include London, Ireland, and Colorado. I need a change of scenery. New faces, new conversations. People who don't know me. People who don't ask where I went to to school or what I want to do.

I just don't know if I'm brave enough to leave.

Some days are better than others.

A few days ago, I was fine. Happy, even.  Today, I'm empty. The sadness is overwhelming. 

Emmanuel, God with us. "No one told me that grief felt so like fear." CS Lewis

So glad the semester is wrapping up. Two projects and a spring semester away from freedom. Post-graduation plans still pending. Best ideas include European hostiles, big planes, and interior decorating. Open to suggestions.

Christmas is only 27 days away. I haven't done any shopping. None. Zip, zilch, nada.

Great.

Stayed up late talking to siblings #3, #4, and #5. #2 is always missing. Fraternity + girlfriend < family. I think he forgot.


Joseph (13, #5, bottom of the food chain) is one of my four favorites. Every time I come home, he acts like I'm returning from war. "Kaaaaaaylin! You're here!" Hello, stardom.

It's strange to think that four years ago I was ready to graduate high school. My heart hasn't changed. I feel like the same girl, just surrounded by different walls and people. 

Dad organized a meeting with a marketing firm that specializes in non-profit organizations. They host high profile events for huge charities. I think I could love that. I want to feel like I'm making the world a better place, one champagne flute at a time.

Anyway, I made oatmeal cookies after all. The normal kind, with flour and eggs and 8.8 grams of fat per serving. Baking them felt like some sick form of torture. They say 90% of taste is smell. So untrue.